For the Pilots of our Group :) Something to ~smile~ about

[Rolf-Dieter ✝︎]

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots ("P") and solutions recorded ("S") by maintenance engineers:

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Did I ever tell you about Piper 202 .... Well Piper 202 came in for a landing from the US into this small Canadian Airstrip.

P = Pilot ... T = Control Tower

T: what's your height and location?
P: I'm 6 foot 2 and in the cockpit!

[mdsalemi]

The following is supposedly a true story. The German air traffic controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a short-tempered lot. They not only expected you to know your parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (Delta) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a BOAC 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing sometime in the early 70s. Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active." Ground: "Good Morning, taxi to your gate." The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location now." Ground (impatiently): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop".

[UJJ]

Hilarious

[Flyair]

how about the usual announcement, just slightly modified:
"Please turn off cell phones, computers, game consoles and any other electronic devices that may interfere with our captain/s pacemaker"

[Rolf-Dieter ✝︎]

Stan,

Very funny, I hope there are no pilots flying around up there with pacemakers

Dieter

[Martyberg]

Some more pilot humor 😎

[Rolf-Dieter ✝︎]

Very funny Marty I'm flying KLM in July, always have and always will, those pilots don't hanky panky in the cockpit. Then on second thought the aircraft is on Autopilot quite a spell between Toronto and Amsterdam who knows what goes on in the cockpit.

Dieter

[Flyair]

Dieter
If you add to it that in some cases they also perform autolanding then your imaginative suspicion should be kept alert till the end of the flight   

[Rolf-Dieter ✝︎]

Here is another that I left for an old friend one day on Facebook;-

Dale, here is one for you my Friend. A very nice blonde and sexy looking lady takes a plane from Vancouver, BC. to St. John's, Newfoundland in Economy. During the flight she decides due to the first class closed curtain to move to first class.

The first class flight attendant talks to her and said “sorry you cannot sit here you have an economy ticket” she responds “I’m nice, blond and told that I’m sexy and I will stay here” the flight attended goes to the first officer and tells him the problem so he goes to talk to her.

“Lady he said, you have a economy ticket this is first class please return to your seat” she responds “I’m nice, blond and told that I’m sexy and I will stay here” the first officer goes to the Co-Pilot and informs him of the issue. The Captain overhears all this and tells them “let me handle this my wife is blonde and I know what to do.

So he goes out and asks the lady “Excuse me where are you headed?” She replied “I’m headed for St.John’s Newfoundland” “oh I’m very sorry to tell you this the first class section is going to Montreal, economy back there is going to St.John’s Newfoundland” she got up and returned to her economy seat.

[Mike Hughes]

An SR-71 pilot told this story from his first flight with a new co-pilot.
(SR-71 was the USAF advanced ‘stealth’ reconnaissance aircraft known as the Blackbird).

An SR-71 and crew were flying over Southern California when a voice came on the airwaves:

Cessna 152: Ground Control, What’s my airspeed?
Ground Control: 100 at FL 100.

A few moments later a cocky voice came on:

Mooney M20: Ground Control, What’s MY airspeed?
Ground Control: 240 at FL 140.

By this time the SR pilot was seething, but since communications were the duty of his new co-pilot, he remained silent. A few moments of radio silence passed, and in the calmest voice imaginable the co-pilot keyed in:

SR-71: Ground Control, What’s our airspeed?
Ground Control: 1875 at FL 800.

There were no more speed checks called in that afternoon, and the pilot knew that he had a cool partner in the back seat.



In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to FL 600 (60,000ft).

The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked: “How do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet?”

The pilot responded: “We don’t plan to go up to it, we plan to come down to it…”

[Rolf-Dieter ✝︎]

Happy Wednesday to all our Pilots in our Group

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h in 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with Tempo Mach 2 appears.

The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus flight, boring flight isn't it? Take care and have a look here!"

He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks, "Well, how was that?"

The Airbus pilot answers: "Very impressive, but now have a look here!"

The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed. After five minutes, the Airbus pilot radioed, "Well, what are you saying now?"

The jet pilot asks confused: "What did you do?" The other laughs and says, "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back of the flight to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake and made an appointment with an extremely sexy flight attendant for the next three nights - in a 5 Star hotel, which is all paid for by my employer. "

The moral of the story is:
When you are young, speed and adrenaline seems to be great. But as you get older and wiser, comfort and peace are not to be despised either. This is called S.O.S.: Slower, Older, Smarter. Dedicated to all my friends who like me likes the S.O.S. approach!

[Merc_Girl]

There is of course this well known comedy sketch
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8XC3Hc-rAkk

[MikeSimon]

On a more serious note: I used to fly a lot (as a passenger, for business) and one of my pet peeves became "air line lingo". One of them was the regular use of the word "momentarily".
If you know what the word really means and know how it is used by "airliners", you know what I am talking about.

[Raymond]

A new pilot lands his small plane at an unfamiliar metro airport.  Female voice from Ground Control tells him, "zero-four x-ray, right on taxiway Delta proceed to FBO."  Pilot; "Roger".  Then he makes a mistake and finds himself facing a 737 on taxiway Bravo.  The ground control lady goes berserk, screaming, "04 xray, didn't you listen to anything I said?!  Now you've made a mess of things!..." and she goes on ranting for about a minute.  Then follows a long moment of radio silence when a man's voice from another aircraft is heard,  "Wasn't I married to you once?"

Ray
Arrow N1504X