Garage humor (?)

[Flyair]

 

[Rolf-Dieter ✝︎]

 

[Flyair]

Two friends are sitting in a bar having beer:
-   Look, says the first, I am so bored!
-   Really? Listen,there is my mistress waiting for me in the car at the parking behind. It’s dark out there and she is so horny, so if you want to go there, she wouldn’t even notice it’s not me.
The guy encouraged by his friend went to the car and - after a few minutes had a great time with this mysterious nymphomaniac. Suddenly, their passions got interrupted by a vigorous knock on the door by a policeman with a bright torch:
-   Do you know that you cannot do it in a public place?!
-   Officer, but this is my wife - says the guy.
-   Oh, that's different. I'm sorry, I didn't know - said the policeman.
-   To tell the truth, I didn’t know either until you put the light on!

[Flyair]

Daisy went to see her friend Fanny to wish her happy birthday. Then she asks:
- And what did you get from your dear husband?
Fanny responds:
- Have a look outside. Can you see that beautiful turquoise Pagoda outside?
- Wow, how amazing! She looks so gorgeous!
- It's that color slippers he bought for me...

[Flyair]

This happens somewhere near Glasgow. A guy comes to the vulcanizer to fix a broken condom.

The vulcanizer looks at the item and says with distaste: You know, I am a Scotsman too and aware of our reputation, but this is too much!

The client: Well yes, I agree, and under normal circumstances would react the same way. However, this one is a special case: it’s property of our Club!

[GGR]

Indeed! It's quite a dilemma especially with an item that has most seemingly been transmitted over several generations of club members!

[cordconv]

Cee's Since I am Dutch here is one I have referred to often while working on my Pagoda......."Vee are to soon oldt...and to late schmart".

[Flyair]

some wise thought for 2015, including one with MB

[Flyair]

We are in the seventies. Sheikh Mustafa Ben Ali of Arabia wishes to order a new car to add to his large collection. First, he decides to call Mercedes, after all, a widely praised, and reliable brand.
- Ja, ja, naturlich, but to get our car you have to wait half a year. We have a lot of orders of our luxury cars, he hears

Well, only half a year, it cannot be a luxury car – the sheikh thought.

He calls Rolls Royce.
- Yes of course indeed, but to get our car you have to wait a year. We need first to customize the car to you requirements.

- Hmmm - thinks the sheikh - in the end, maybe a German car would be a better choice. It's a bit too long to wait a year, and the German cars are very solid.

So, by coincidence he calls Trabant factory.
- Jawohl, ja, ja - says the factory’s director. But we have so many orders that our waiting queue is very long!!! We are sorry, but to get our car you have to wait at least two, if not three years!!!

- Such a long waiting list – thinks the sheikh. It must be an exceptional car, worth waiting for. And truly impressed he orders the car without further hesitation.

The entire Trabant factory workforce is completely shaken by the incredible news: A super rich sheikh has just ordered a Trabant! The director rushes to the first secretary of the factory’s communist party organization:
- Comrade first secretary!!! A rich Arab sheikh placed an order with us!!!
The first secretary’s reaction was immediate:
- Such a customer cannot wait such a long time. The car has to be delivered within a week!!! To our Party it is a matter of credibility and pride!!!

The car is ready in no time and delivered after three days by a special cargo airplane.

The sheikh, delighted and impressed, calls his friend:
- Listen, Mohammad, I have great news. I ordered a car at a German factory!!! It is so desirable that you have to wait two years to get this wonderful Trabant. However, to make it more bearable, a few days after placing my order they sent me its plastic model!!!

[Rolf-Dieter ✝︎]

An Irish daughter had not been home for over a year.

Upon her return, her father yelled at her,
 
  "Where have ye been all this time?
  Why did ye not write to us? Not even a line. Why didn't ye call?
  Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?"

  The girl, crying, replied, Sniff, sniff...."Dad.....I was too embarrassed, I became a
  prostitute."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this
  Catholic family, so ye are."

  "OK,Daddy...as ye wish..
  I just came back to give Mammy this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion
  plus a $5 million cheque.
  For me little brother Seamus, this gold Rolex.
  And for ye Daddy,the sparkling refurbished like new 1963 Mercedes Pagoda convertible that's parked
  outside, plus a membership to the Limerick Country Club."

She takes a breath and continues, "?and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year?s Eve on board my new yacht in the Caribbean."

  "Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad.

  Girl, crying again, Sniff, sniff...."A prostitute Daddy!" Sniff, sniff.

  "Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death girl!  I thought ye said a PROTESTANT.  Come here and give yer old Daddy a big hug."

[Aligator]

The seven-year boy walking along the sidewalk itself on the way to school.
Car pulls up. The driver opens the glass window and says:
- Get inside I'll give you 10 dollars and a lollipop!
The boy does not respond and the pace quickens. The car rolls slowly behind him. Again, it stops at the curb ...
- Well get in the car! I'll give you 20 dollars , lollipop and chips!
The boy shakes his head again and accelerates the pace ... The car is still slowly going after him. Stops again.
- Well do not be so ... get in the car! My final offer - 50 dollars , chips, cola and chupa-chups box!
- Oh Dad Get Back on! You bought a BMW instead of Mercedes then you have to live with it.

[Rolf-Dieter ✝︎]

An 80-year-old Idaho farmer goes to the clinic in  Idaho Falls for a check-up.

The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'

'I'm from Idaho Falls, and in my spare time I like to hunt and fish' says the old guy, and that's why I'm In such good shape. I'm up well before daylight in the field plowing and mending fences and when I'm not doing that, I'm out hunting or fishing. In the evening, I have a beer and all is well.' On weekends I drive my 1963 Pagoda it's a 230 SL and it makes me feel like a 20 year old.

'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?'

'Who said my father's dead?'

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your father's still alive? How old is he?'

'He's 100 years old,' says the old Idaho boy. 'In fact he worked with and hunted with me this morning, and then we went to the bar for a beer and that's why he's still alive. He's a Idaho Farmer and he's a hunter and fisherman too.In fact on weekends he helps me wash my Pagoda'

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your father's father? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my Grandpa's dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather is still alive?'

'He's 118 years old,' says the man. The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went hunting with you this morning too?'

'No, Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?'

Who said he wanted to ??

[drmb]

My wife left a note on the fridge, " It's not working.I can't take it anymore.I am going to my mom's place.''
I opened the fridge.The light came on.The beer was cold... What the hell is she talking about ?