Garage humor (?)

[Cees Klumper]

A recent post from Stick (Colin) referred to 'garage humour'.

As someone who has very little to none (I am an accountant, need I say more) I'm always looking for some humour. Got some garage humour to share here?

Old Dutch saying: "sorrow shared is sorrow halved; laughter shared is laughter doubled".

[Rodolfo]

A garage owner dies and comes at heavens gate and meets Saint Peter. Sainter Peter says: "congratulations, you died at 289 years". The mecanic answers: " why you think that?". Saint Peter answers: " I counted all the hours of your bills you charged and came to that conclusion."

[Bonnyboy]

Advice Column by Mechanic John

Dear John,
I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work top down in my 280sl because it was the first sunny day in way too long, leaving my husband in the house watching TV.  My car sputtered,  and then it stopped all together about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back to get my husband's help. When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with my neighbor's daughter!

I am 32, my husband is 34 and the neighbor's daughter is 21. We have been married for 10 years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted they have been having an affair for the past six months. He won't go to counseling, and I'm afraid I am a wreck and need your advice urgently. Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila



Dear Sheila,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults.  Considering my experience with the Mercedes Pagoda, I would start by checking that there is no debris plugging the fuel intake in the gas tank or debris in the fuel line.  If they are clear, check the filter in the inlet to the fuel pump and then the pressure valve in the fuel injection pump to make sure that there is a strong flow of fuel in and out of the injection pump.   It could also be that the fuel pump itself is faulty.

I hope this helps, John

[jameshoward]

http://www.kmstools.com/pages/competitor-79

If this doesn't put a smile on your face, Cees, nothing will.

[stickandrudderman]

A customer bought his pagoda in for an inspection and I found loads of rust.
"How much is it going to cost?" he said?
Oh how I laughed............

[IXLR8]

the other Joe

[IXLR8]

The Trunk Monkey--a valuable automotive accessory

the other Joe

http://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=trrunk+monkey+&mid=D27E5E68842EB4B6A858D27E5E68842EB4B6A858&view=detail&FORM=VIRE7

[Cees Klumper]

These are all funny indeed ... Keep-em coming please!

[66andBlue]

Cees,
since you are a numbers man here are two for you.

[bogeyman]

Well, I guess this is related - sort of...

A crazy man escapes from an asylum and is being chased by the police. He runs into a Laundromat where 2 women are doing their laundry. He rapes both of them and runs out the door.

The next day the headlines read, Nut screws washers and bolts.

[280SE Guy]

Published auto repair price list:




Regards,

280SE Guy

[mdsalemi]

Sign in shop:

Labor Rates:

$85 per hour.
$95 per hour if you watch.
$125 per hour if you help.

A garage owner dies and comes at heavens gate and meets Saint Peter. St. Peter show him his room, it is better than any other room in heaven.  "Why?" asks the garage owner.  "Well," says St. Peter, we don't often get garage owners here in heaven..."

[JamesL]

Not garage but...

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well.. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine
Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up
quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first, because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m.
But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do
before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to
slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically
nothing.
All men got to shave but, .. it is not so bad, there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon,
etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie
and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the
two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you
until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't
walk much.
We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks
to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different.
A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city
guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is
like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown.
They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals
for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a
chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the
Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and
hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to
wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break
real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about
the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver
Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm
only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get
onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,

Mary

[jameshoward]

Very good.

[JamesL]

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but... something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your penis was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9,000 in Insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new penis that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap…it's £1,000 an inch."
The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."

So the man agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"

"I have," says the man.

"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're having granite worktops."

[Benz Dr.]

so..... ahhhhhh............Cees? Have you heard about those new Dutch tires?

[KevinC]

Limerick Time...

A toast to our friend McNeely,
Who had a small Austin-Healy.
When he took out his Girl,
A kind of plump one named Pearl,
Her weight made him do a Wheelie.
 

[71Beige280SL]

A woman answered the knock at her door and found a destitute man. 
He wanted to earn money by doing odd jobs, so she asked, "Can you
paint?"
  "Yes," he said, "I'm a pretty good painter."
  "Well, there's a gallon of green paint and a brush out back, and
a porch that needs repainting.  Be very careful.  When you're done,
I'll look it over and pay you what it's worth."
  It wasn't more than an hour before he knocked again. "All finished!",
he reported with a smile.
  "Did you do a good job?" she asked.
  "Yes, but lady, there's one thing I'd like to point out to you," he
said, "That's not a Porsche back there -- it's a Mercedes!"

[Cees Klumper]

so..... ahhhhhh............Cees? Have you heard about those new Dutch tires?

Ok I'll bite ... No Dan, have not heard about those yet, can you fill me in please?

(Waiting for punchline)

[Benz Dr.]

Ok I'll bite ... No Dan, have not heard about those yet, can you fill me in please?

(Waiting for punchline)

Those new Dutch tires?

 

They stop on a dime.........




and they'll pick it up too!

[mdsalemi]

and they'll pick it up too!

http://instantrimshot.com/index.php?sound=rimshot&play=true

[Flyair]

A loving wife wasn't sure what would be the most original gift for her dear hubby's birthday.

Knowing that her husband had an unconditional crush on Brigitte Bardot and on Mercedes cars, she had an idea to have the BB letters tattooed on her behind that she would show bended over one of his cars.

On the Birthday day, she did as she thought, proudly exposing the artwork (as shown on the attached pic) in front of his amazed face...

After a long silence, the surprised hubby asks: "Well... fine, but who the f..ck is BOB?

  

[GGR]

Ah Ah!

This one works only in French:

- Pourquoi les mécaniciens jouent-ils au tennis avec des boulons?
- Pour gagner la coupe Davis!

[Flyair]

 GGR

OK, another one:

A family is going by car and suddenly a child runs across the street just in front of the car. Happily, the driver manages to avoid the boy. Then, a policeman stops the car and says:
- Good lord, good reflex that you have. For this, we will offer you a reward - 1000 US$, provided that you tell me how you will spend this money?
The driver replied:
- I'll take a driving license, finally.
His wife tries to save the situation:
- Do not pay attention to him, he always says so when he's drunk.
Then, from the rear seat the grandmother adds:
- I told you that we wouldn’t get far in a stolen car...

[Flyair]

Husband to his wife, who had returned from the ride in their freshly renovated Pagoda:
- Where's the car?
- Partially in the garage...