Garage humor (?)

[Flyair]

There's a senior citizen driving in his bellowed Pagoda on the highway.

His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, ''Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!''

Herman says, ''I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!''

[Flyair]

The son got finally his driving license and asks his father about letting him drive the beautiful Pagoda.
Father responds sharply:
- Improve school grades, read the Holly Scriptures and chop down your hair, only then you may return to the subject.

After a month, the boy comes to his father and says:
- Grades are fine, I know the Scriptures almost by heart. Pagoda keys please!
- How about your hair?
- But, Dad! I have read that all of them: Samson, Moses, even Jesus had long hair!
- Oh, you see, son! And they all were walking on foot!

[Flyair]

A group of Pagoda drivers met for a drink at a pub. The conversation focuses obviously on their beloved cars. Finally, one of them says:
- Gentlemen, we sit here a few hours and we talk only about Pagodas. How to fix this, how to tune that, etc. Let's be brave and change the subject!
- Good. But for what? - Agreed the other Pagoda lovers.
- For what? Real guys talk only about sex.
- OK, let’s!

Then, there was a long silence.
- I got it! I got it! – Interrupts one of them: My Pagoda is so sexy...

[Flyair]

A happy wife comes back home and says:
-   Darling, I got my driving license! Now we can go and visit the entire world!
And the husband to respond:
-   Ok, this one or the next one?

[Flyair]

In the evening, Jane’s father gets into his daughter's room and finds a note on her bed:

Dear Dad!
Finally the school is over. For me… forever.
I'm in love and together with my boyfriend we can finally get away.
I know you will not like it, but he is so cute with all these tattoos and piercings in every piece of his body ...
And his motorbike! Vladimir (that’s his name) says that riding the bike with the helmet is not good for real men like him.
Vladimir is completely crazy about me. He says that I saved him; otherwise alcohol would kill him in the end…
Oh, and the most important! You'll have a grandson! I'm so happy!
My friend Vladimir is now somewhere in the woods building a hut. It’ll have no lights or water, but this will be our new home.
Even though we have nothing to live on, but don’t worry! Vladimir has a splendid idea: we will grow marijuana and sell it in the city.
I will manage, remember: soon I will be 14 years old!
Your beloved daughter.
Jane

P. S.
BTW: All that is crap! I'm at Kristin’s watching TV.
I just wanted you to realize that there are worse things than a crashed Pagoda that I put back in the garage.
Kisses!

[Rolf-Dieter ✝︎]

Franz and Monika decided to take a drive in there just turned 50 year old Pagode.

Franz said to Monika, "today we will take the same route we took on our maiden drive when we picked up our spanking new Pagode further more we will stop at every spot we stopped then"

Soon the where on there way, it was a great and sunny day just fantastic for a top down drive in the country. Franz stopped by this large Oak tree parked the car and made his way across the street to the tree.

He soon returned and Monika asked him "why on earth did you stop here" Franz replied, "don't you remember 50 years ago we stopped here so I could have a leak!"

"Oh I see ... How was it?" Monika asked him.

He replied with a straight face "50 years ago I had to put Charles under the wire ... Today I had to hang him over the wire so not to dribble all over my shoes"   

[WRe]

I hope you enjoyed it like me, darling!
Happy driving!
...WRe

[Rolf-Dieter ✝︎]

Tell me Hans asked Fred how did you make out with your 250 SL restoration project?

Then Hans started to paint Fred a mental picture ... It was something like this ....

(Captions are ... "Before" ..... And ..... "After" in case you are not fluent in German)

[ghenne]

A manager, an engineer, and a software developer are returning from a convention in their Pagodas. As they are driving down the peak of a mountain the brakes on one fail and the car goes careening down the road, bouncing off several guard rails before stopping at the bottom.
All three get out of their cars: the driver of the one that crashed amazingly unhurt.
The manager says "I think we should hold a meeting to discuss the possible solutions to the problem."
The engineer says, "I think we should disassemble the car and do a structural analysis on each part to determine the cause."
The software developer says, "Why don't we get going again and see if it's reproducible?"

[Flyair]

A man goes to see his doctor for advice:
- Doc, for over 7 months my wife no longer wants to make love with me!
- I see, ask him please to come see me.

A very attractive wife arrives at doc’s the next morning and he asks why she does not want to make love with her husband.

- Oh doc, she says, I crashed my husband's Pagoda seven months ago and the car is still at the repair shop as my husband refuses to pay the note. And for seven months now, every morning, to go to work I have to accept my neighbor’s offer to give me a lift in his car, and he always asks me "well, you'll pay me for that now or what?"
And since I don't have enough money, I always give him the "or what" if you see what I mean...
This makes me always come late for work, so my boss asks me: "Do you want me to cut your salary or what?" Then off we go with another "or what"...
When I come back from work, my kind neighbor waits for me in his car, so there is once more another "or what"
You see doc, so when I get home I'm so exhausted that I don't want any more sex with my husband...

Doctor thinks a while and finally says:
- I understand. Now, are we going to tell all that to your husband, or what?

[Flyair]

The gynecologist decided to attend a car mechanic training.
Being a bright and hand capable person, he got 150% result at the final exam.
Curious why he was able to achieve such an outstanding result, the gynecologist went to see the instructor and asked for clarification.
- My sincere congrats - the instructor says – we never saw such a brilliant student. The results you got are:
- 50% for the engine disassembly
- 50% for the engine re-assembly and
- 50% for you did it through the exhaust pipe.

[Flyair]

Two young ladies are talking:
- Is your boyfriend handsome?
- Very! He has his mother's blue eyes and a silver Pagoda from his father ...

[Flyair]

A policeman stops a woman (obviously driving a Pagoda ) for excessive speeding.
- Good morning. Do you know what that is (showing a portable radar set)?
Good morning Sir. No, I don't. What's this? A hairdryer?
- No, ma'am. This is portable radar. And what have we here? Can you see these digits?
-140, I can see.
- Exactly. Your driver's license and car registration documents please...
- I have none of them.
- How come you have none of them?
- Well, because, you see, so it all happened quickly today ... and even this Pagoda is not mine.
- What do you mean it's not yours?
- Well, you see... I actually stole it. Because as I killed that man, I had to somehow get rid of the corpse, and I did not want to dirty my car. So I stole this stylish Pagoda and packed the body in the trunk. And now I was going so fast as I wanted to get rid of the body as soon as I could.
- Do you really mean what you just said, lady? You declare that there is a dead body in the trunk? Now, please put your hands on the hood and don’t move!
Then the policeman calls for backup:
- I've got a dead body in the trunk, stealing a car and speeding.
In no time, a whole team with all kind of weapons showed up. The commanding officer stepped up towards the women.
- Do you have any documents?
- Off course I do. But they are in the glove box. Can I give them to you?
Then she goes to the glove box, hands the driving license and vehicle registration to the officer. Everything looks perfect… spic and span
- As it is not a stolen car?
- No, of course not, that's my car.
- OK, so please open the trunk.
The woman opens the trunk, and again, everything is perfectly in place, including the warning triangle, spare wheel etc.  The commanding officer becomes truly confused:
- Well... as we got the report about a stolen car with a dead man in the trunk…
- Oh, good Lord... and what else was he telling you, perhaps that I was overspeeding?

[Flyair]

Five surgeons are taking a coffee break...

-   1st surgeon: Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.
-   2nd surgeon: Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

-   3rd surgeon: Try electricians! Everything inside them is color-coded.
-   
4th surgeon: prefer lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable.
-   5th surgeon who has been quietly listening to the conversation: I like Pagoda car restorers... they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end.

[Flyair]

A police officer stops a man riding a Pagoda (surprise surprise because he didn’t stop at a stop sign.
- Your driving license please
- But Officer, could you tell me what have I done?
- You didn’t stop at the stop sign.
- But officer, why should I stop? I have seen nobody around here.
- It doesn’t matter, rules are rules.
- No, but Officer, when I approached the sign I slowed down to 5 mil/h and when I saw no car, I drove away. Don’t you have something else to do? You better go and eat some donut or else!
- I'll pretend I did not hear that last comment. Now, driving license, please.
- Okay, but really, I still don’t understand why slowing down is not enough… Can you explain what difference it makes to you between stopping and slowing down?
- That I can do for you – the cop takes his stick and starts mercilesly banging on the body of the freshly restored Pagoda.
After five minutes, he asks the completely shocked driver:
- Do you want me to slow down or stop?

[Flyair]

since it's vacation period I double the output to 2/week, so here is another one . I just went back fro Florida, so action takes place there...

There was a guy from Miami who bought a Pagoda with a SLS engine 5.6 l engine conversion. He took off down the road, flooring it up to 100 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through the little hair he had left on his head.

"This is great," he thought and floored it some more. He looked in his rear view mirror and there was a Florida Highway Patrol Trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blasting. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more and flew down the road at over 120 mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the State Trooper to catch up with him.

The Trooper pulled in behind the Pagoda and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday 13th. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked back at the Trooper and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."

The Trooper said, "Have a nice day."

[GGR]

That's a good one! I just told it to my wife and she had a good laugh. She wonders where we car nuts are getting all this imagination from!

[Flyair]

In Poland, inhabitants of the city of Cracow are famous for their extreme avarice, apparently exceeding even the ubiquitous Scots.
So... one day in Cracow, a man buys a car. He chose the cheapest model, but still something seems to bother him. So he asks the salesman:
- Does this car consume a lot of gas?
- Not at all! Just a spoon.
- Do you mean a teaspoon ...? - asks suspiciously the guy.

[Flyair]

A new Pagoda owner returns to the seller with complaint:
- When I bought this car, you told me that it was a rust-free California car, but underneath it's covered with rust.
Seller:
- Yes, sir. The car is rust-free. I didn't charge you for it, did I?

[Flyair]

This morning I drove to work as usual on the main boulevard. In front of me in the left lane, a young, attractive woman rode in a shiny Pagoda. At a speed of 130 km per hour I saw that she was seating with her face next to the mirror redoing her makeup. Literally, a second later, this girl - still busy with her makeup – was in the middle of my lane...

And, although I am really a tough guy, I got so scared that the shaver and the sandwich fell out of my hands. When I tried to regain control of the steering wheel, I dropped my mobile phone into the mug with hot coffee that I held between my legs. All coffee splashed around and burned my manhood. Besides, my phone went dead and I lost a very important business conversation...

Now you see why I hate women behind the wheel!

[JamesL]

With a very seductive voice a woman asked her husband,
"Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No," said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of
her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft,
silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.
She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"
"Uh... no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and
seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out a
crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little
quicker with anticipation.
"Now," she said, "have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"
He said "No!", trying to hide his arousal.
She said ... "Check the garage."

[tel76]

When the time came for my friends daughter to go to school her grandfather was given the job.
On the day in question he had a hospital appointment and could not carry out this duty so the grandmother was given the task.
The journey to school was carried out with no problems but on the way home the little girl said.
" Grandma can I ask you a question"
" Yes dear, go ahead "
" Is everyone on holiday today " asked the little girl.
" No dear it is not a public holiday today, why do you ask" replied the grandmother.
" Well we have not seen Mr Bastard, Mr Pillock or Mr Toe Rag today so they must be on holiday.

[Rolf-Dieter ✝︎]

MALE LOGIC.....FLAWLESS

Woman: Do you drink beer? Man: Yes

Woman: How many beers a day? Man: Usually about 3

Woman: How much do you pay per beer? Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

 (This is where it gets scary !)

Woman: And how long have you been drinking? Man: About 20 years, I suppose

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct? Man: Correct

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct? Man: Correct

Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a nice restored Pagoda? Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No Man: Where's your restored Pagoda?

[Flyair]

Johnny ask his friend, a newbie owner of an unrestored Pagoda:
-   How is your Pagoda doing?
-   You know, it’s quite funny
-   ?
-   It’s behaves like a dog
-   Don’t get that…?
-   It stops by every tree

[GGR]

Johnny ask his friend, a newbie owner of an unrestored Pagoda:
-   How is your Pagoda doing?
-   You know, it’s quite funny
-   ?
-   It’s behaves like a dog
-   Don’t get that…?
-   It stops by every tree

Not only that, but it then lifts one side of its swing axle and starts leaking!